Achtung: Do Not Talk To Children

I know. You’re awaiting quirky India trip anecdotes and I’m just being the bitch that holds out.

This is why no-one dated me for too long at Uni. Damn tease.

In the interim, this glorious conversation happened. The kind that makes you want to go drown yourself in a vat of rum and sleep for a week.

If I had to qualify myself as parent at all, I’d simply use the word Ill-prepared. (And occasionally/frequently neglectful, but ill-prepared just makes me sound absent-mindedly charming donchyathink, rather than incompetent.)

Ill-prepared is always how I end up feeling with Arvind’s questions – not because he is extra precocious or anything, but because I am an extra slow tortoise and just when I think I have another two years and time for a  cup of tea, he will unfailingly sock me with it and leave me staggering. Everything in italics represents unarticulated thoughts happening in parallel. Yes, there is always a party in my head.

A: Mamma, did you know that girls have a baby hole?

MGM: EGADS! This? Now? Right after breakfast? Hmmm. I did know that in fact.

A: See, babies do not come out through where you pee. They come through the baby hole. There is ANOTHER ONE.

MGM: Son, I know. Tell me about ALL THAT WHACKED plumbing! (Switching to the “YAWWN. This is so boring” tactic) And? So?

A: So you have to show me yours.

MGM: WHA?? OMG! I certainly will not be doing that. So no. Like NEVER.

A: Why? I need to see it.

Of course, this kind of information warrants empirical evidence, I can see that.

MGM: Little boys cannot see their mother’s baby places.

A: Why? Has Pappa seen it?

MGM: Yes. But only a couple of times. Like on Christmas Day a couple of years ago. The baby place being a very secret place and all.

Dude, if that was a country, he would apply for citizenship. How is that for too much information since we are getting cuddly here?

A: So when can I see it?

Well, if you went to the kind of school I went to in my primary years, you could always find the girls who pulled down their panties for the lads to have a peek as long as you gave them a bob. But I’m guessing you don’t get that lucky here.

MGM: When you are all grown up and no longer live at home is an excellent time. And besides, in school, in some years they will teach you all about them baby places and their workings.

A: Will they show us pictures?

MGM: It’s school. Not the Playboy Mansion. So – no. Maybe a sketch or two.

A: Maybe you can draw it for me.

Dear God, please lead him to quality internet porn tasteful erotica at a mature and appropriate age so we never have to field these questions again. Thanks – and I will be owing you one.

MGM: No, but I can draw you a mean ass dinosaur. How about it?

And on that shaky note, that particular conversation was over.

To date, I have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER what he got out of it. A re-cap and summary of this conversation is most definitely not on the agenda, so I will live in bliss till the next awkward conversation comes up.

Or at least until some girl’s parents knock on my door and complain that my son has been checking out their daughter’s Vashiner.

Yes, folks. Vashiner.

I think my work here is done.

39 Comments

Filed under Arvind

39 responses to “Achtung: Do Not Talk To Children

  1. hahahaha That cracked me up.

    My kids call me Virginia and I let them.

  2. I feel for you, Sistah!
    I don’t think any of us are ever prepared for this stuff!
    Baby hole- kya baat hai! Too cute.

  3. ROTFLing…baby hole! You have a torrid time of Q&A coming up…all the best and keep us entertained and informed, so we are better prepared!!!!

  4. Oh gosh, I have tears rolling down my cheeks, I am laughing that much. Of course, it won’t be so funny when mine brat decides to stroll down this conversational route…

  5. ROFL @ ‘has Papa seen it?’

    And, did you forget to italicize “Not the Playboy Mansion”? If not, rest assured the questions aren’t going to come to you anymore. ;)

  6. Baby Hole! ROFL!!!I am storing all these gems away – for future use of course.
    Maybe i can make a manual and use that for reference.

  7. Anjali

    This is so funny, and so cute! I was all ears for the conversation with Arvind’s very first line :) I think you handled it well.

  8. smartassbride

    I’m STILL laughing at “Yes. But only a couple of times. Like on Christmas Day a couple of years ago.”

    For handling that conversation(despite the party in your head) with a straight face, MGM, I bow to thee.

  9. “Dude, if that was a country, he would apply for citizenship.”
    :))))))))

  10. Munchkins Mom

    LMAO.
    And shitting bricks in anticipation of such a conversation with my brat. Till then I’ll stay tuned to the goings on over here :)

  11. Sangeetha

    >>Dude, if that was a country, he would apply for citizenship.

    You weren’t referring to a Male-Utopia there, were you?

    Am new to your blog; but you have snared a regular in me, thanks to your irreverent humour. Your writing style also helps my planned addiction to your blog.

    Please write more often; I don’t have moolah to travel to Amsterdam to feast on certain fungal delicasies!

    -S

    • Mom Gone Mad

      I am even further north than Amsterdam:-)

      Good to see you here. We do chai here, no fungal delicacies as yet;-)

  12. Sangeetha

    or, even delicacies.
    :)

    -S

  13. Uma

    Still ROFL-ing!!! A tough one really and you handled it admirably! I would have started to cry! But seriously…Baby hole…ROFL!

  14. Chooch

    OH MY WORD!this was worth every second of the 51/2 weeks..ROFLMFAO!:))
    baby hole…vashiner..hehehehe
    On a similar note…I was asked by a very serious daughter aged about 11 at the time, doing research for her Reproductive lesson…Amma, have you ever used the withdrawal method as cotraception???*gaaasp*! *wth*!

  15. Chooch

    “contraceception”,I meant-you can imagine how thrown I was…

  16. ROFL!! Was this conversation for real??! You are one cool mom! Gotta take a few tips from you :)

    • Mom Gone Mad

      Cee Kay: Unfortunately real. Its just that my whole life can appear to others like a Stanley Kubrick flick:-)

  17. Sue

    ROTFL

    The other day I was bitterly haranguing the boy about something or the other and I pointed to my tummy and told him, “You came out of there, you know!” And that’s when it struck me for the first time that a C Sec has something over the natural birth thingie. I couldn’t quite say this if I’d had him the other way. :D

    • Mom Gone Mad

      So right you are! I had a C-sec for the second. That is where I get to cop out. Though if he asks, I will point him in the general direction of his brother and ask him to get briefed through the right channels – aka. sblings.

  18. ys

    Hahaha – thanks for the hilarious post. But in fact, he is old enough to know the anatomy just for facts-sake. I remember asking my father these very things at his age – I pity Pa now, realizing that the neighbours could hear the innocent voice lol! Nice that you did not dodge the question, but if he is still curious about it, won’t it be worse in case he asks someone else? Why not show him a appropriately drawn and captioned sketch from the internet, making sure the father is also part of the audience? Since I have been a bookworm, the correct type of books/pamphlets/booklets would miraculously (and innocuously) appear in our place soon after I subjected my parents to such things – very smart of them, they would even make sure the material looked old – so as to avoid the question of where and when it was bought!!!

  19. There was a phase a while ago when my son couldn’t believe that girls did not have the same equipment as boys… and kept trying to check mine….
    I know exactly how you felt! :-)

  20. Cecilie M

    I was dealing with the same genre – and almost the same conversation – the other day… heard a blood curdling scream upstairs… Kari thought she was broken: “There’s a HOLE in my WEE-WEE!!!!!!! MOOOOMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”

    I explained that there’s a wee-wee hole, and a baby hole and that it’s all exactly the way its supposed to be. She asked to see mine. I said “No, but I can draw it for you”. And so I did. A very, very, very simple drawing. She looked at it for about 2 secs, said “Ok” and walked away.

    A little easier when you have girls, lol

  21. Anonymous

    LMAO!!
    Good grief! I’ll have to face such questions in the near future. Thanks for the term ‘baby hole’ :) My daughter calls her nipples belly buttons. I told her that its not belly button, but didn’t clarify further. Should I tell her that its called nipple?

    • Mom Gone Mad

      That’s hilarious! Yes, maybe you should tell her eventually. But only when you are done getting your laughs;-) Evil is called for!

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