When the washing machine dies peacefully in service after 10 years, try to not be an utter nitwit and send your husband ALONE to the store to get a new one.
He is a gadget freak. Worse, a gadget snob. He will jeopardize your financial future if left unsupervised in an electronics store. Now repeat this 50 times so that your frontal lobe can finally nail it.
He thinks a 50 dollar shirt is wild and irresponsible extravangance, but he will gladly use half your mortgage on a gadget. And yes, todays washing machines are gadgets. Every modern electronic appliance in your home is a gadget and a cool one at that.
He will come home with his best friend lugging an enormous house-like contraption. Stay with the programme now – yes – the washing machine. Eyes shining and breathless from the effort.
“You won’t believe this BEAUT!” he will exhale, “16 programmes for stain removal. Eco-friendly wash, power wash, fuzzy logic, weighs load blah blah blah.” Hell, it looks like it would wash and spin the kids gently, before vacuuming our home and taking me out for dinner, treating me like a queen is what it looks like.
“Oh, I’ll believe it!” I will reply through clenched teeth, seeing my weekend shopping going down the drain. Visualising canned tomato soup and macaroni for a month. “Besides, we can’t even name 16 kinds of stains, can we now, DEAR? And are we suddenly a family with octuplets that we need such a generously sized machine?”
Sarcasm will be lost on the electrohunter who has acquired his prize. He will continue to sing paens to the machine while caressing it gently.
Do not bother to ask about the price. You will only be rewarded with the look. The wounded look which says, “You would put a price on 16 stain removal programmes? Is there a right price for technology so superlative?
Do not think the following thought. “Poor thing. Folds laundry with me every evening. Even on evenings when I might be passed out drunk. Such a sweetheart. Why not give him his kicks?”
Do not think that he actually LOOKS HAPPY doing laundry. Maybe he’ll do it everyday now.
Stay tough and don’t melt at his happiness over – lets face it – a pretty sad domestic appliance. Bose speakers? I would get it. But a washing machine, dear?
This is a slippery slope you’re on. DO.NOT.HUG.HIM.
Oh, whats the use? You and your frontal lobe are losers who deserve each other.