Notes From Deutschland

1. This is the country most compatible with my control freak heart. Seriously, how do you not love a country where every bus and train station will tell you the exact friggin’ number of minutes till your bus or train arrives? Its like Deutschbahn just knows that I will develop palpitations if there is a one minute delay. They are taking no chances on my mental health and they have earned my lauw.

2. I have such an antenna for the uptight German. (No, not all of them are. I testify to this, having drunk copious quantities of beer and having sung in inebriated glee with German companions on many-a-decent German street.) Latest victim was  a Reputable Type With a Job in Finance. He is so excruciatingly polite that it leaves me no recourse but to mess with his head.

He enquires in a strained, polite tone (such as you reserve for people you are forced into unholy proximity with when you travel coach) what I do for a living. I paint my bureucratic life is broad, boring strokes for about half a minute and wait till he relaxes enough to sip his coffee before I move in for the kill.

“Being a stripper was just really tough, y’know, what with the poor pay and two kids and all.” Sipping wine is so much more fun when you’re watching someone trying not to splutter their coffee. I recommend it.

3. I will never be cool enough for Berlin. Like N.E.V.E.R. We wander into this uber-cool club where we are almost denied entry for not being able to tick off the following boxes.

a) Had a sex change recently. I have almost-tits and some 5 o’clock shadow. My voice and demeanour are right off The L Word.
b) I can wear a poncho with a cowboy hat and look ridiculously cool instead of looking like wierd, misplaced Joan Baez wannabee.
c) I will arrive in a shiny, golden/flesh coloured body suit with tits painted on. Because I am fabulous and artistic, I will let totally random people feel me up/lick me as I cruise through this realm that I so own.

Yes, my harem pants and I were both begging to be incinerated and put out of our misery.


berlin 2

4. Dear God, I have forgotten how to flirt. Please tell me its the sleep deprivation or I will have to slash myself. The bartender brings me a glass of wine – compliments of Adam Levine lookalike from across the bar. AL cocks his head in utterly adorable manner and raises his hand unsurely in greeting.  I smile wanly because frankly – those harem pants are feeling kinda tight around the waist. Normally by midnight, my waistline needs the elastic comfort of my jammies and the gut responds to green tea. Yes, I’m the Cinderalla story you never want to hear.

Anyway – AL lookalike comes over, pulls up a barstool, makes polite PC with Schminderella’s buddies and sheesh! is articulate and really funny.  Schminderalla is in an uninspired semi-coma and is pulled aside by concerned colleague who points out that AL looks like err.. AL and in case I’d had too much to drink, he felt compelled to remind me that my correct age was 33, not 63.

I might have wept some gentle tears on his shoulder. “Sweetie,” he says comfortingly, “Live a little while your boobs still live in the Northern hemisphere and your hips aren’t screaming for replacement.” ( You will correctly gather that we’re close.)

“But I was good at this! I was!” I wail inconsolably.

I was. Just like some people love a great crossword, I love the challenge of a great flirt with a smart cookie. I won’t be caught dead batting my lashes or swinging my hips, but I love the verbal thrust and parry, the volley, the pace and the impeccable timing of a charged exchange. I love the sparkle in my challengers eyes when that rejoinder zings. The way I feel just a tiny bit more nerve-ending tinglier and alive because of this random connection.

It ain’t cheap when you’ve made it an art. But it ain’t an art if you’re in a coma.

Ultimately, I was more seduced by the thought of my suite. A king size bed all to myself. Watching MTV and raiding the minibar without anyone screaming for Cartoon Network. And the seemingly impossible, mirage-like fantasy of 10 hours sleep. Adam Levine in the flesh can’t beat that.

Dear God, these are new levels of pathetic, but nothing some cyanide won’t cure. Please to oblige.


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18 responses to “Notes From Deutschland

  1. nat

    “these are new levels of pathetic, but nothing some cyanide won’t cure.” – I could beat you at that.
    I wouldnt even have been at that pub in the first place and the only pants I’d have been wearing woulda been pjs. No MTV, it would have been HgTV or FoOd Network.
    But I still enjoy find the words going diagonally, straight or across (I like colouring in the squares in crosswords) (no sudoku for me yet) and are you kidding me? THank GOd those days of flirting are over. Praise the Lord!!!!
    Did Deepu see those harem pants? I bet it would have brought up memories of a certain leather jacket…..

  2. Era

    Pathetic?! I’ve seen more action reading this post than I have in the past 15 years. Like Nat, give me Food Network and HGTV, PJ’s , and while you’re at it replace my cyanide with cookies-n-cream or dulce de leche ice cream, or both 🙂 Mmmmmmm

  3. Hold on tight to those harem pants, AL lookalikes seem to like them!

  4. @Nat: Oh, hon:-)! I enjoy flirting precisely because its not something that needs to be done to nab anyone anymore. Thats done, so now I get to lean back and enjoy the sport:-) A sport with nothing at stake. Which is why I never get people flirting with a friends spouse and the like.. why on earth would you diss a friend and risk problems when there is so much fun to had elsewhere and no-one gets hurt?:-)

    @Era: ROFL! Dulce de leche? Cookies and cream? You are a Haagen Daaz woman after my own ice cream sodden heart! Now all we need are matching jammies and an evening to hang out;-)

    @June: They do. They sure do. I can see it now, now that I am mentally punching myself senseless!

  5. ys

    Haha, good luck next time – mutually harmless flirting is always good for the soul/s!

  6. @ys: Thanks! Do I detect a kindred soul here?;-)

  7. Have to admit, entirely Nat and Era’s camp here. Except on the ice cream, good ol’ vanilla remains my poison.

    But hey, don’t give up. Next time, next time..
    And now that I know who Adam Levine is, I’m off to google ‘harem pants’.

    • Mom Gone Mad

      @WJ: Vanilla is cool:-) And good luck with the googling! They are hawt stuff indeed.. or so I thought till my perceptions were cruelly dashed.

      @Deep: ROFL!!!! Dear sibling, I’m afraid our time is up, the mojo (haha) wanes an’ all. But I do feel for you. Its tough being geriatric, but we’re wiser and thats got to be good for something. Right? Right? Why aren’t you responding? And Nat, yes, what leather jacket memories? Am too old to remember!

  8. Dileep

    Which leather jacket memories do you speak of? I have a few!
    And I have you all beat anyway. Recent flight, 19-year-old goddess next to me. Flirt a while and then she asks me how old I am. When I answer truthfully, she says: EWWWW, and doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the flight. The guy who subsequently cleaned the aircraft would have hoovered up the fragments of my self-esteem.

  9. Era

    pajama party! yaaaaaaay!!!

  10. Girl…..just when I think you have written your best one yet, you go and report this!! I cannot think coherently enough what with the laughter that I cannot seem to control; thanks to you the tits will hit south pole faster than they should…..just saying love you before I return to mirth

    • Mom Gone Mad

      @Muthu: Glad to bring mirth since I only bring terror at home. That and frozen pizza! Will love you southward bound tits and all, always:-)

  11. maidinmalaysia

    and where’s your “amma’s” rejoinder on this one? auntyji, we’re waiting to read you…

  12. Amma

    You are never too old for anything. And in another one year, when Armaan is a bit more grown up you will be back to your old Flirting Self. So dont worry.
    @MIM I know both my gal and boy well enough to know what they could be upto. I am sorry for the man at the receiving end.

  13. @MiM: Why do you hate me so? why?..

    @Amma: Err.ok. thanks I suppose:-) And why are you sorry for the guy? Sheesh..why don’t I just call you?:-)

  14. maidinmalaysia

    @ Amma : and where do you blog? i want to go n read

    • Mom Gone Mad

      @MiM: Do you have a serious deathwish? Must my mother blog? Don’t I get enough advice already? On the other hand, she might have some tips for you regarding The Efficient Life. They are wasted on me, but maybe her beacon will help someone:-)

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