Vengeful Thoughts

.. penned during Easter Break 4 years ago, when Arvind was all of two years and not fun to shop with. And Anj, since you asked –

I have no good news for you. There is no hope when shopping with a toddler in their terrible two’s. It’s either Dope ‘Em or Bribe ‘Em.

Or politely ask for a personality change at the depot where you picked them up to begin with. Ho hum.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————On On our way to the family cabin for Easter break, we stopped at a convenience store to stock up with provisions for the car ride ahead. (Good god. I’m turning into my mother – the compulsive car-trip eater!)

I tick Arvind off for trying to swipe a crate of tomatoes, an act which angered him so much, he decided he would just be rooted to the floor of the store – you know, just to teach me a lesson. I react to this in the time-honoured way that all tired mothers who have been over-exposed to their children react – I grab him by the arm and drag him along. While I’m dragging a screaming, prostrate Arvind down the aisles of the store, I notice a young couple who were shopping in the store. Well dressed – and by the looks of it – well-educated, well-employed and probably about to climb to in a shining vehicle with their Camembert cheese. I catch her look, the mix of pity and disgust. The look that says, ” Poor You. But Really. Can’t you control you child any better?”

I eyeball her, feeling a malicious smile grow and spread in me. And with it my retort.

” I WAS ONCE YOU. I nibbled Camembert Cheese, sampled take-away sushi, had impulsive sex and a lattΓ¨ to go. One day your ovaries too may rattle and you may willingly or unwillingly engage in relations with Ken by your side and THEN you can kiss your life as you know it goodbye. YOU can then feel like a cow with udders akimbo, stuck in a room with a kid, wondering why none of your pre-conceived theories about child-rearing work with your offspring. Dr.Spock won’t save you either. One day it will be YOU in these aisles, wondering how you became the kind of mother who drags her progeny down the aisle of a convenience store, while he screams as if you were Hannibal Lecter.

You’ll think, “I had this all figured out.”

ONE DAY IT’LL BE YOU. So don’t judge me, bitch.

That curse being cast, we climbed into our car and drive to the cabin and lived happily ever after till Arvind woke us up at 6 a.m. the next day.

Edited to add: An infinitely wise colleague who read this came up with a brilliant suggestion for parents who have to live through the Crimean War each time they are at the supermarket. She makes her 2.5 year old a shopping list. A simple list with just milk, sugar, cookies, packet of coffee beans and the like. The 2.5 year old is then entrusted with the task of finding and bringing said items to Ma. She says the child feels so responsible and competent that trips are now a pleasure and not the torture chamber they once were.

Note to self: Outsource upbringing of own children to wise colleague so they do not become total nincompoops.

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31 Comments

Filed under Toddler

31 responses to “Vengeful Thoughts

  1. Pri

    LOL… I am the proud sleep-deprived mom of a 2 year old who is browsing blogs at work to keep herself awake and what d’ya know, you speak my words, even though I’m yet to get to the shop-while-dragging-a-crying-child-down-the-aisle stage πŸ™‚ Just yesterday, after sever sleep deprivation and exhaustion of taking care of him post a long days work, I told my husband – “my God, I want him to turn 20 already, so I can get my 7 hours of continous sleep and rest when I want to – there just is no break right now” πŸ™‚ So much for planning out on how I would raise my own child and snicker at the way other parents do πŸ˜€

    And you’re getting to sleep until 6 am – you’re a blessed soul!!!

  2. ROFL.. I have ignored my screaming child on the ground and turned to left. Said screaming child screams louder and gets up and comes running screaming, you are a very mean mommy.

    I swear when I shop at Costco with all 4 by myself. People actually stop and give us a wide berth when they see us coming.

  3. Medha

    HAHAHAHHAHA!

    So not looking forward to this side of motherhood! The kind of nonsense my mother had to put up with when dealing with me, I am pretty sure it is going to backfire in a bad, BAD way when I have kids! And when that happens, I can imagine my mother stick her tongue out at me and say, “Right back at ya my dear daughter!” before she prances off to her ultra-grand vacation.

    *shudders*

  4. Meluhhan

    Hm. I don’t care how badly behaved you say he is, I think he’s a charmer. I mean, he loves chameleons and Queen and has an extendable leg! Let me know if you ever think of putting him up for adoption. πŸ™‚

    *thus spake the naive woman who will probably end up selling her own little precious darlings into bonded labour if motherhood is not all cuteness and cuddles*

  5. C’est la vie!
    I suppose we were all screaming toddlers once:)

  6. πŸ™‚ am i glad i’m beyond that stage of motherhood! and am i glad i brought up my brats in india where i had the option, occasionally, of leaving the monsters with a long suffering ayah, or parent. and am i glad that today when my battles are fought with my teens, at least they are in private. my sympathies, and sincere suggestion that you mix some phenergan in drink of the day before you take him out shopping! πŸ™‚

  7. ‘udders akimbo!’… LOL!

    The terrible twos were a nightmare, though.

    And I suspect, while Dr Spock was holed up in his den writing his tome, there was a harried, unsung Mrs Spock going nuts actually raising his kiddies.

  8. MGM

    @Pri: I can practically hear the sleep deprivation. And wanting to shove the baby up the birth canal again – everyone has been there at some point. but we can still snicker at the others;-)

    @Sraikh: ROFL right backachya! Can totally see the aisles parting for the sraikh tribe. Wait- actually, you’re all advancing menacingly in slow motion in my mind:-)

    @Medha: I can confirm that karma is a bitch. I was the drama queen in the ASDA aisles and to top it off I used to disappear and people had to come and find me. Was prolly fascinated by cat food or summat. I smell payback!

    @Meluhhan: well, in A’s defence this was four years ago:-) and now that he knows how to behave in stores, we have the little Rumpelstelskin coming up!
    And you will face my wrath, dear, if you sell DurexFailure or Betaversion into bonded labour;-)

    @Dipali: Thats for sure!:-)

    @Megicalsummer: Well, normally we have family members around us too that look after the kids when we shop. Or one of us goes alone and does the shopping while the other one minds the kids.To the extent possible, we keep them out of all kinds of shops:-)

    As for phenergan – don’t tell me! This is how my parents saw tons of first class Mallu films back in the ’70’s:-)Alas, I don’t have these drugging options in Norway!

    @WJ: LOL I bet you’re on the money about Spock:-) We should do some research on the fate that met Mrs. Spock. She probably drove herself off the loony cliff!

  9. maidinmalaysia

    lol @ your image of asaaan — now even i can imagine the tribe walking menacingly…
    maybe the supermarkets will read this and have asaaan-hour or something.

    @magicalsummer: the better way would be to mix some phenergan for oneself, and then head out shopping. *teetotally speaking*

  10. MGM

    @MiM: I would support Asaaan hour:-)And self-medicated shopping? I like:-)

  11. Oh yes yes yes…these are the precise thoughts that go thru my head when I’m dragging Dhruv on his little bottom through Shopper’s Stop away from the children’s play area.

    There’s this section in the men’s clothing where we have become well-known for nonchalantly striding past with hysterical preschooler, and highly embarassed daughter, with fingers in our ears. They wonder if we’re kidnapping someone’s child, and then as their eardrums begin to explode, decide they don’t care and give us a wide berth!

    As for the dope, when are they making it legal?

    And udders akimbo took the cake!

  12. Anj

    Amen Shalini Amen! :). Now off to catch the little brat and snip those finger nails..damage control is all I aim for these days…to self that is.

  13. Done the Asaan thing..left kid and walked out.Then hid to check for kid emerging accompanied by security looking very perplexed.
    That, i think was the last time he glued himself to the floor.
    But that curse..done that in my mind several times over.

    PS: A friends mom once shared a trade secret of rum spiked juice.Contemplated that several times, yet to implement:-)

  14. You, girl, are simply too hilarious for words!

  15. Cecilie M

    MUST join the chorus:
    Udders akimbo? ROFLMAO!!!!!

  16. we all survive the terrible twos. dont we? dont we? oh come on – throw me a crumb here.

  17. Amma

    Remember you were in your terrible sixes when you did the disappearing act and went up the handrail of the escalator screaming for help when I was the one who was rooted to the floor till the shop assistant jumped up the stairs and grabbed you before you crashed. The wheel is turning full circle my darling. Only when you face it you realise that there is no tribe called Perfect Parents. You learn from your mistakes, pick up and go on. You take the fights in your stride and if you can keep the flame of love burning in their hearts in spite of everything, you know that you have succeeded. It is all that matters in the end. There is no perfection in this world and you have to accept it gracefully.

  18. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Your mum’s outed you, MGM!!! What goes around, comes around, you devil chile!!
    BWAHAHAHAHA!

  19. @Starry Eyed: LOL! you have your section of notoriety at SS?? Fabulous! As for legal dope, the supermums are making it hard for us:-(

    @Anj: yes, keeping the ambitions low is one way to go with the toddler.

    @ILWML: I’m a huge believer in calling their bluff. Its the only way to wrest back control:-) – till they start using it on you! And rum spiked juice, eh? Keep em good ideas coming.

    @Cecilie and Ersa: *Widest grin*

    @MM: But of course honey! We”ll be many crows feet and grey hairs richer for it, but we’re troopers, remember?;-) And if all fails, we’ll throw a tantrum. That’ll shut them up.

    @Amma: Ohgodohgod! Public forum, Ma! Thanks for letting everyone what a full-fledged monster I was (am). And what is this? You’re owning upto imperfection now? Go take your pill immediately! I want my mother back.

    @Deej:*Devil child can’t hear you. She’s hiding under a mortified duvet*

  20. Medha

    Handing a shopping list to a kid sounds like a good idea actually!

    *quickly notes it down in her notepad*

    See this is why you mommy bloggers rock! Cos’ you warn us unmarried/childfree women of all the worst-case scenarios that can possibly happen once we have kids. At this rate, I’ll have a nice little book filled with tips and ‘Dos and don’ts’ of suriviving motherhood. πŸ˜€

    PLUS, I get to read your stories and even get to laugh at your misery!
    Hehehehe ooooooopss.

    *runs before MGM (along with other mommy bloggers) decide to beat me up*

    πŸ˜€

  21. Blog-hopped here and I can very well have written this post. There was a time when I was that woman, too, and I probably threw impatient glances towards parents trying to deal with a rolling-in-the-aisle or yelling toddler. Now those impatient glances have come back to bite me in places it hurts most! πŸ™‚

  22. ROTFL. I loved your co-workers idea. Although its 2 years too late for me πŸ™‚ And do drop me a line iof you find where I can outsource the parenting duties during a meltdown.

  23. nat

    love the chillies and lemons thingumajig you got going there

  24. OMFG, How freaking awesome would be ASAAAN hour. It could be 2 hours of all parents with 3 kids and more could shop in peace without stares and whispers and comments.

    Seriously..I need to send this to someone.

    But then the moms with 1-2 kids will start shouting no fair, its discrimintion and plop the idea is over even before it began/

  25. MGM

    @Medha: Didn’t you get the memo that I don’t do such a great Mommy job? Stick to laughing at me, gurrl;-)

    @Mystic Margarita: Welcome! yup, its those that judge in a previous life that get it with interest in this one:-)

    @Dotmom: Too late? nono. MAybe we should set up an agency to outsource meltdown parenting? Find volunteers that aren’t g’parents!

    @Nat: Thanks:-) Got it from Richa on HappyFeetnMe. Let me know if want the code?

    @Sraikh: Gah.You’d let a little protest get you down? Go beat up on the smaller families – what are the four kids for if you have no goonda power? I’m voting for ASAAAN hour:-)

  26. Era

    Great post, brilliant colleague, and did you really say all that to the snooty lady giving you the scowl of superiority? If you did high five! If you didn’t, high five anyway for thinking it πŸ™‚

  27. Chuchu

    Great idea from colleague…nothing better to get a toddler co-operating than making them feel indispensible!(btw,does her 2.5 year old read or is it a picture list???)

  28. Chuchu

    …why wouldn’t it surprise me if he/she could read…all these geeky vikings…:)

  29. @Era: Only high five for thinking it!

    @Chuchu: No no. No reading. Pictures:-)

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