You’ve Got A Friend

At the home of superfriend R, in between taking freshly laundered capes out of the dryer and exercising superpowers.

MGM: We have to this discuss this thing.

R: Uh-oh. Better put the tea on then. Rough day? What’s up?

MGM: It really bothers me how even after you’re done having kids, it’s somehow the onus of the woman to get her tubes tied. I mean, shouldn’t men be volunteering vasectomies at this point?

R: Isn’t that their business? Wait. OF COURSE NOT. Because who would we judge then?

MGM: Seriously. Pop one through your hoohaa and its all vulvar distress and no AMOUNT of kegels will help you NOT wet yourself ever so little when you’re jumping up and down, dancing to Song 2. Seriously!!

R: VULVAR? That is not even a word. I just poured tea. Have some mercy.

MGM: Oh, suck it up already. It’s 2011 and we can’t talk about vulvæ over tea? The post-episiotomy monster one deserves a medal for chrissakes. And C-secs? You had one. I had one. Tummies that look like badly set liver pudding. Loose skin that makes your abdomen look like a shoddily stitched bag.  If Ryan Gosling were to walk up to me and say, “Shed your gear, honey”, I would be too ashamed. THE SHAME!!!!

R: James McAvoy? Something tells me James would have a workman’s hands and appreciate a real woman’s body. He wouldn’t go, “Monster vulva. That is just gross.”

MGM: Wait, we can’t derail over gorgeousness. Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t agree? A good man will let his eyes sweep over his gorgeous progeny, take a minute to reflect over the corporal sacrifices made by his lovely, often annoyed wife and instinctively think, “My work here is done. I must stem this bounty at the fount. I must spare her the slightest brush with gynæcology and fix this myself, so as to continue with unfettered monkey business.”

R: You can’t spare yourself a brush with gynæcology anyway. Not unless you want to die of cervical cancer avoiding any brushing. Come on. Maybe it’s not painful. Maybe it’s like a smear. Ok, who am I kidding?  They should so get snipped. At the bloody fount. AND be in pain. Only ripe agony will do.

MGM: I KNEW you would see it. It’s principle. It’s basic courtesy. You tear, I snip. Your pain to get them out. Mine to make sure they stay put as a perfect, phantom third child. Really. Every mother needs to raise her sons to be so considerate.

R: And you know the kind of guy who wouldn’t even entertain the thought when presented to him, right? Yup. Mr. Don’t-Make-Me-Pretend-To-Care-If-It-Was-Good-For-You-Too. Mr. Roll-and-Snore while you turn to James McAvoy in desperation.

MGM: You’re not really sharing, right?

R: Oh god, no. After shoddily stitched bag abdomen, continued and excellent sexual service should be written in stone in the family constitution. As a fundamental human right. Wait. As MY right. So much better.

MGM: Come on. Can’t be anything as painful as labour anyway.

R: Face it. If you were a guy, you wouldn’t go there unless you were taken kicking and screaming, you darned diva.

MGM: *shudder* Not a chance. Not while there was grass on God’s green earth.

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17 Comments

Filed under Self, Things That Make Me Go Grrrr!

17 responses to “You’ve Got A Friend

  1. Thank you for describing my belly so frikkin’ perfectly!! I have had two of ’em C-secs…….And nah still not having my tubes tied!! Surrogacy anyone???

  2. Mom Gone Mad

    O, the generosity, Muthu!

  3. nat

    i am so proud of my lady bits. they did their job perfectly so far. i hope the trend continues. my r actually offered to get the vasectomy done actually. my mom said no. go figure. of course it didnt even get to his mom..

    • Mom Gone Mad

      My lady bits=epic fail. And let me get this right. YOUR MOTHER vetoed YOUR HUSBAND’s vasectomy. How touching. I really need alcohol now:-) Can you imagine his mum? She would have been all, ” You are not building a phallic statue in your yard??? Instead, you DESTROY my son??” yikes.

  4. Ni

    ROFL!!
    I read this while my MIL was watching TV in the same room and wanted to know what was so funny.Hehe.
    But seriously I need to send this to the husband. We have had conversations on similar lines, not as hilarious though. 😛

  5. Couldn’t stop laughing. When I had the youngest kid via c-sec, the doctor assumed that it was simpler to tie my tubes for good and all at the same time. She asked me, but in a cursory kind of way. My old man has had more than a fair share of surgeries, so I guess I’m a charitable fram of mind!
    You have a very valid point, my dear!

  6. When I was pregnant with my 3rd, my spouse and I made a bet. If we had a girl, I would get my tubes tied, if a boy he would get the V, it WA a boy. Bastard flamed on me. And I got pregnant with 4th child and it was boy.

    That’s all I am saying on this subject.

  7. i should start talking about this. I’m going to be fair and tell him when the time comes, “YOU get it done OR you get it DONE.”

    Or the kids should turn out EXACTLY like me. Then, I wouldn’t even need to ask, I think.

  8. Chooch

    You’re hilarious!
    My other half refused to accompany me to the Obs after I became pregnant with the second one 6 months after my first C-section…

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