“So how was your morning?” the Viking queries from a random platform somewhere in the North sea. Suddenly he might as well be on the moon for all the difference it makes.
“Terrible, ” I reply. “Arvind awoke, cleaned up, dressed, ate breakfast, drank his milk and just WALKED OFF TO SCHOOL ALL BY HIMSELF. He didn’t even need a walking companion. And I watched him walk away till he was a little speck with a hint of an orange cap on his head.”
“This is terrible?”
“And Armaan. My self-toilet training little man shouting “You are SO CLEVER, Armaan! Flinke du!” in wild appreciation everytime he tinkles successfully into the toilet bowl. Dressing himself, feeding himself, frustratedly trying to belt himself into his car seat. Just in case I’m not being clear – he wants to do EVERYTHING himself!”
“Awesome,” responds the Viking enthusiastically, ” You realise this is it, right? We’re almost past it. Diaper changes, broken nights of sleep, following their every move. We’re almost FREE! WE can actually do things *gasp* TOGETHER soon because they will be self-sufficient. This is great!”
“No, you idiot! It’s not!” I wail inconsolably, “This is part where you say, Oh dear, we no longer have any babies to snuggle and babble gibberish to. There is no little person needing us and we need to have a NEW LITTLE PERSON needing us right now!”
The gobsmacked man at the other end of the line manages to force the words, “You really want another baby?” through the complex circuitry connecting us somewhat tenuously at this moment.
Oh boy, the silence.
” No, I don’t want another baby. I want YOU to want another baby desperately. Then I can be the irritating voice of reason shooting YOU down with how life is good now and how everything has gotten so much easier and LETS GET A LIFE already. Please want another baby. That way, all the time I spend thwarting that thought will be time spent not wanting to do this all over again.”
Even my subconscious didn’t know it was all THIS complicated.
Meanwhile, I have a feeling that the huge FAIL – ACCESS DENIED on my application form to the Viking can be attributed to my total and complete lack of mental health as evidenced by sparkling conversation recorded above.
I’m going to have to win one soon.